


Kaleidoscope

by LunaCatriona



Category: Holby City
Genre: Soldiers, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7771657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaCatriona/pseuds/LunaCatriona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day after Cameron's accident, Serena takes Bernie out for a walk, and a talk, to capture a glimpse into the kaleidoscope of Berenice Wolfe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaleidoscope

Serena, for the first time in a long time, needed to take a walk. A proper walk, through a forest or along a river, to clear her head. Life was stressful at the moment. She had Jason to think about most of the time, to make allowances for. The Trauma Unit was becoming a big responsibility too, as was Bernie.

Bernie.

What was it with that woman? She lied to Serena time after time, always seemingly under the impression that she was doing the right thing by Serena. Was that why Serena kept forgiving her? Was that why Bernie Wolfe was getting away with things Edward Campbell had his ear nagged off for? 

But right there was the difference. Bernie was quite obviously trying to shield Serena when she did these things, where Edward usually was just trying to hide his drinking or his cheating. And despite the complications, Serena still loved to spend her time with Berenice Wolfe. Who wouldn't?

Glancing at the clock, she noted that she only had ten minutes left of her shift. Bernie, who was behind her, obviously had the very same realisation. “Ten more minutes,” she sighed; the blonde woman, Serena saw, was visibly tired. Even though Serena had inwardly forgiven Bernie, she had kept her distance throughout the day, not trusting herself not to say something they would both regret. “Albie's, after work?” Bernie asked.

“I'm not really in the mood,” Serena answered. It wasn't an excuse at all – it was the truth. But Bernie didn't seem to see this, and so eyed Serena with caution. “I could do with a walk though.”

“A walk?” Bernie repeated, looking like she was worried for Serena's sanity.

“Yes.”

“Each to their own, I guess,” chuckled Bernie.

Serena watched her for a moment, wondering whether or not to invite her colleague. It would make it clear that Bernie was forgiven for yesterday's fiasco, but it was also an invitation for conversation, and Serena wasn't sure she was really in the mood for conversation with anyone, never mind with Bernie. However, she felt she would probably get bored walking on her own at some point. In the end, she succumbed to the knowledge that boredom would ruin it. “You're welcome to come with me. I was just going to take the footpath through the woods.”

Bernie smiled slightly. “Of course I'll come with you.”

Serena could not help but return a small smile – the first she'd shot Bernie's way all day, in fact. She had tried staying mad at her, but her infuriation had waned within about quarter of an hour of seeing Bernie's face. She could try all she wanted but Serena knew she was incapable of holding onto a grudge against Bernie when the woman was obviously so damn sorry for her actions.

So, twenty minutes later, they were in Serena's car, driving out to the woods on the edge of Holby. It was already after half past seven when they set out, so they fully expected night to fall before they returned to the hospital to retrieve Bernie's car.

“I...” Bernie attempted to speak, but didn't seem to have the words. At the traffic lights, Serena glanced around at her, and saw she was wearing an expression of anguish and indecision. Whatever she was thinking, she seemed to be debating how to say it, or else whether to say it at all. “The light's green,” Bernie pointed out, as the person in the van behind them beeped the horn at them. 

“Oh, so it is,” Serena replied, slightly taken aback that she had paid more attention to Bernie's face than she had to the road in front of her. She put the car into gear and pulled of so that the light wouldn't turn red on her, internally kicking herself for not driving with due attention. It was something she would have bitten the head off her daughter for, after all. Mind you, Serena did a lot of things these days she would have got on Ellie's back for. 

As she drove, she noted that there was something more than silence hanging in the air. It was more like Bernie was holding her tongue – or trying to loosen it. What was more difficult to decipher was Bernie's thoughts. Serena had no way at all of knowing what was going on in that head of hers. Probably, too much went on under that mop of messy blonde hair, but how was Serena to know if Bernie didn't tell her?

Serena often wondered what remnants of Afghanistan (besides Alex) lingered in Bernie's mind. There was no way she left that place completely unaffected. Not even someone as strong and as tough as Bernie Wolfe could return home immune from that hell hole. She had been blown up, for God's sake. The woman was lucky to be alive. Guy Self had gone to pieces after his near miss with a grenade, and it was Fletch who had taken the blast from that. 

She wanted to ask. She wanted to know how Bernie felt about all of it. Because, what if she was so reserved that she had no outlet? Bernie had said herself that she envied others' ability to exhibit their emotions. Serena, at the time, had brushed it off, but what if she had made a mistake in doing so?

One of these days, she was going to miss an important signal from someone she loved because she wasn't paying enough attention – just like she had missed the traffic signal because she hadn't been paying attention. Soon enough, she was going to end up missing a green light, or else she would run a red one.

She pulled into the car park on the edge of the woods; there were three cars there, probably parents taking their kids on a pre-bedtime hike to wear them out so they went to bed without a fuss. There had been a couple of times Serena had resorted to such measures when Ellie was early school age. “Here we are,” sighed Serena, cutting the engine and pulling the keys out of the ignition. Bernie was already unclipping her seatbelt.

In silence, they walked for a good half an hour. The breeze rustled around them and the birds chirped their messages, the light dimming all the while. Though the silence allowed for consideration, Serena found herself with an urge to spit out questions at Bernie, perhaps in the hope of finding an explanation for her ways and her actions. See, she was sure there was more to Berenice Wolfe than what Berenice Wolfe allowed the world to see. And Serena, for whatever mad reason, wanted to hear it all. The fears, the hopes, the memories, the trauma, the love, the hate, the good times, the hardships...there had to be a kaleidoscope behind that stoic face.

“Bernie.”

“Serena...”

They had spoken at exactly the same time; the pair of them stopped and stared one another straight in the eyes, each trying to figure out what the other had been about to say. “You go first,” said Bernie.

“No, you go,” answered Serena. They resumed their wandering pace down the track, careful of their footing on the bumpier patches.

Bernie seemed uncertain, like she hadn't even really thought out what she wanted to say. “I just...” she began, her eyes scouring Serena's face, searching for any sign of encouragement or dissuasion. “I just don't want you to...to doubt how much you mean to me. You are pretty much the only person I can really trust and I'd hate to lose that because I didn't use my brain enough to know I could trust you. I only realised that when I almost drove you away. I mean, Cameron, he said-”

But whatever Cameron had said, Bernie stopped short of divulging.

Serena let a little smile spread onto her face. “You know, I spend half my time these days trying to understand you.”

“I'm a mess of a person. I know that.”

“Do you remember the day of Arthur's funeral?” Serena proceeded with caution, knowing she could be walking on thin ice here. “The man we treated, and his mother and family were so distraught? And you said you envied their ability to show emotion?”

“You said that you thought there were good things about having that good old British reserve,” smiled Bernie.

“I'm starting to think I was wrong.” The statement caught Bernie's attention, and she stopped dead, but Serena didn't notice until she stopped herself a couple of feet ahead. “Have you talked to anyone, Bernie?”

“About what?” Bernie demanded stiffly.

“You know what.”

But Bernie continued to feign incomprehension. That, of course, that Serena walked on, hearing Bernie catching up with her, and stayed silent until they were side by side again. “I mean, have you talked to anyone about any of it? You're going through divorce, you're assimilating to civilian life...you went to war, for crying out loud. And I've never heard you talk of anything but that damn divorce.”

“Oh, Marcus gave up on getting me to talk about the war years ago,” Bernie brushed that concern aside. 

“I'm not Marcus, Bernie. I'd have thought you'd learned that by now.”

Bernie stopped, and Serena turned to watch her as she veered off the track and sat down at the foot of a tree, her back leaning against its wide trunk. She was eyeing Serena with care, like she was wondering if she was a solid human being or just a spectre haunting this darkening forest. “War is...” she began, but was obviously unable to complete that thought. Serena went over and sat beside her, resting a hand on Bernie's slim arm in an effort to encourage her to talk. “It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Not even the people who were trying to kill us.”

Serena watched Bernie carefully, while Bernie watched the branches of the trees opposite them bend with the breeze, occasionally letting out a dull creak into the twilight. “The mess I saw some of those kids in. That's what so many of them were, you know. Kids. No older than Cameron. A lot of them were only Eleanor's age. Some were even younger.”

Whether she did it consciously or not, Serena had no way of knowing, but Bernie's hand slipped into Serena's, grasping it tightly. “It is what it is, you know. There and then, it is what it is and it is what you have to do. You try and keep them alive at all costs. You run through enemy fire for them. You risk your life for them. And then you try and save them. But all too often, I could save their bodies but I couldn't save their minds. Broken bodies, I can usually repair. Broken minds are a lot trickier. I patched them up and sent them home, knowing they were always going to be in anguish and knowing that, far too frequently, they wouldn't get the help they needed.”

That need to comfort Bernie rose in her, bringing her hand up to the straggling blonde hair that hid a deep brown eye, and pushing it back behind the ear. “You're a brave woman,” she told her friend softly. “What about your mind?”

Bernie shrugged. “The nightmares are pretty crap but I've long learned to live with it.” But even as she said it, her dark eyes started to shine with tears she refused to shed. 

“Don't be a soldier all your life,” advised Serena. “It doesn't do you any good.”

Bernie let out a short bark of a laugh and wiped the tears from her face the moment they fell, and turned to rest her chin on Serena's shoulder. And it dawned on her. “That's why you don't tell me the truth. You're still a soldier trying to implement damage limitation.” Bernie's head turned so that her cheek was now leaning on Serena's shoulder, preventing a good view of her face. “Thing is, the damage you're trying to limit is just the damage you're causing by not being honest with me. You don't have to protect me from anything. You don't have to be my soldier.”

A soft sob escaped Bernie; only now did Serena realise Bernie had been treading water all this time, trying to keep herself afloat while she had a weight tied to her heart. Serena didn't say anything more – she just held Bernie's head to her chest and let her get the emotion out before it went septic. After all, septic wounds were toxic to everyone around her, not just Bernie herself.

Serena wasn't sure how long they sat there, for she had not bothered to look at her watch. Jason was with a girl for a date tonight, so wouldn't be home for about another hour. But, night had well and truly fallen, and the air was getting cold, so it wasn't wise to sit there much longer. So she helped Bernie to her feet and linked their arms, heading back towards the car. 

Bernie's display of emotion had subsided, leaving her quiet and thoughtful as they trundled along the footpath. She had seen something of that kaleidoscope tonight, and she couldn't help but feel she knew Bernie better for it. She finally understood this infuriating habit of hers to hide anything she thought had the slightest chance of upsetting Serena. 

“What did Cameron say?” she asked, remembering suddenly that Bernie had dropped out of that statement before finishing it.

“Oh, that's a story for another day,” Bernie smirked an unreadable smirk, pulling closer to Serena for just a fraction of a moment.

“I'm going to hold you to that.”


End file.
